In an interview on Being a Mother

Your next choice is the one that puzzles me most: Michael Cunningham’s dark Pulitzer Prize winner. Tell us about the three interwoven novellas that make up The Hours.

The stories revolve around Virginia Woolf, who committed suicide, a forties housewife named Laura Brown and Clarissa, a contemporary lesbian editor.  I could not be more different from all three of these women.

I chose this book because I think Laura Brown makes the strictest of tiger mothers look wonderful by comparison. She is totally detached and can’t get out of her head, so she retreats into books, specifically Mrs. Dalloway. She can’t feel love for her family. It fascinates me because I’m the opposite, my daughters are my main source of joy and energy. Laura Brown deserts her son; I think she goes to Toronto.

In my estimation, that’s a lot worse than demanding two hours of violin practice. It’s been interesting to me, the kind of things that I’ve been criticised for: “You’ve made your daughters drill math!” I’ve always found that surprising and maybe reflective of some cultural differences. Because parents who make their kids practice sports for five hours are celebrated. And then there is also neglect, parental indifference and even physical cruelty. It’s been interesting for me to reflect on different kinds of parents and how we’re judged.

Along the lines of what you just said, Nicole Kidman, who played the role of Virginia Woolf in the adaptation of this novel, is one among many celebrities slammed for their mothering choices. I’m wondering whether you feel that motherhood, once seen as sacrosanct, is now subject to sanctimonious – even sexist – scrutiny.

I do think that mothering is one of the areas where we all can be intolerant. I think it is insecurity driven, and I include myself in that assessment. We all want to believe that what we are doing is right. We’re all so afraid that what we’re doing is wrong. It makes us very quick to judge others. Which is odd, because you just look around and it’s so clear that there are so many ways of raising happy, strong kids.

You’ve been lambasted for tough love. Reading your press coverage, I wondered whether a father would’ve been judged as harshly for a similar style of parenting.

I do notice an asymmetry. There are so many movies, novels and books that celebrate paternal firmness. Real life soccer dads get a pat on the back for tough tactics. My parenting style would seem wildly permissive in China, Korea or Japan. My kids wear what they want. They go to parties. They talk back in a way that would be unacceptable in Asia. The fact that I’m characterised as an extreme parent in this country reflects a real cultural difference, and I think you might be right that there is a real difference in how we judge mothers and fathers.